hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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