Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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