Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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