Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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