he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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