I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
