i permit you to call me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
