I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
