I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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