I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
