I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
