So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
