My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
