What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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