I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
