you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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