420 ftw
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
