My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
