well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
