My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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