I hate all girls vehemently.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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