Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
