Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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