I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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