they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
