those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
