Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
