You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
porn star boner night. come get it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
