We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
