you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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