I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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