i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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