at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
