You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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