I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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