I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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