I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
