my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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