around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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