Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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