After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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