eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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