A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
