Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
