I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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