Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
