dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
