I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So vagazzling was a success
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
