I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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