i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
