My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
