i don't like sucking hair
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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